we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
