right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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