Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
