I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
