1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's never too late to be topless.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
