I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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