genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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