Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
