If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
