I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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