WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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