maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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