my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
