There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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