Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
