I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
