I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
