I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i came on her dog
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
