I am puke
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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