Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
