we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My pussy is not your playground.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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