Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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