Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
