Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
