dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
