Can i not drive my cunt home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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