took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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