my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
