Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
