i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
