I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
