I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
