my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
