Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
