she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
