why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
