the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
