you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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