OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
