I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
