Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
