i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
