The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All I want is dick and wine.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
