I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
