how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
