.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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