I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
