why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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