His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
