Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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