How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
